It's not like anyone reads this

I think the title says it all. Anyway I have a lot of time for myself. I need to get to reading my book.

Another Update

I guess I am settling into the rhythm of things again now that I am back home. I need to fill out my college applications and not continue to put those off as I am doing right now. I have to figure out what I want to say in my Michigan essays. I think they want some story about how I met a black person once and he did not steal my stereo. Well I guess he never did steal my stereo but I think Matt did steal my Cure CD. I am not even sure why I want to go to college at the moment. I hear you can get employed if you stick to it and pay the man.

I think I will visit Sarah this weekend. It's been something like two weeks since I have seen her. Maybe it has been more, I don't keep track of time very well. I have a lot of free time on my hands and I need to get to educating myself about life and everything it entails. I should get to reading my book, it looks interesting. Though from what I have read already, Thoreau seems rather naive and idealistic. I appreciate how he manages to address things still relevent in our modern world when it comes to the relationship of the governed and the government.

On Appearances

I think we place too much emphasis on an unobtainable ideal of beauty. I guess I will start off and say this is mostly directed at one person but I would like to say that our so called flaws make up just as much of who we are as our perfections.

Saturdays

I can't seem to come up with anything coherent to say about the week's events. I just got hired as a tutor in the Math Lab. I am surprised that they gave me so many hours or even hired me without even giving me an interview. I know I will be kickass but that is not what is bothering me.

I am still waiting for Ahra I guess. We went to the fair last week and had dinner with Eban. I told her I love her for about the millionth time too. I know she knows I feel this way and she always says no but I think there is something to this. I know it is mostly for me but I feel like if I do not keep telling her, she will simply forget. Or is it the hope that one day the answer will be different?

An Explanation

I sent this letter to Sarah and I think it my best attempt to explain things in writing:

I ended up leaving school in Iowa and coming back to Michigan. Things were just not working out for me for a number of reasons and I felt the best decision was to leave. I can tell you all about it the next time I see you. The short version is that I had a long conversation with someone I really connected with there who ran the diversity office and I came to the conclusion that I was not going to find the college experience I was looking for at Cornell. I was kind of shocked when he told me that he supported my decision but he helped withdraw by going over everyone I needed to talk to and making some phone calls for me me. I managed to leave before the drop date and got all of my money back though. I don't even have a record of dropping a class there so this means I do not have to get transcripts sent from them.

There really was no major reason that I left. It came down to a lot of small things that added up to the place just being wrong for me. The one course at a time thing really takes over your life and makes it so your life is structured beyond belief. It does not really work well for people who want to study a lot of math and science courses either since those courses eat up all your study time and leave you with no free time. I was having to sit in class and study from the moment I woke up until the time I went to sleep. I had no time to get a job or really participate in any activities, which I guess was commonplace there. It took all of two days of classes to get me to the point where I did not care about what I was doing anymore. but as I said, this was only a minor thing.

I think I was looking for a place where I would have tons of new meaningful experiences to me. I think you know as well as I do that life takes place outside of a classroom and a lot of it comes from seeking out new experiences. This is partly why I threw myself in the middle of Iowa into what I thought was an offbeat place with a weird method of scheduling classes. The problem was that the structure led to the place breeding cliques beyond what you would ever see at any other college. Even without knowing it you would quickly find yourself insulated with one group and never really stepping outside of your safety zone. I remember on my last day there one of my friends asked me if she was being cliquey and I had to point out that she was unknowingly participating in that system too. Maybe I never found my clique because I made a conscious effort to drift between the groups that were friendly to outsiders.

This whole experiment in sociology really led to a kind of attitude to where people would be all ready to run out, read about, and study new ideas. The problem was that no one really wanted to experiment and experience new things. Maybe isolation in the Midwest leads most people to being this way. I think the only way I describe this feeling is by alluding to Paris before German occupation in the second World War. I was looking for a place that breeds its existence on the new and creativity. I can say I have found something similar to this a number of times in my life to make myself happy (one of them was with you by the way). Of course I could just be deluding myself because I think I would very much like to live my life like a rake.

Anyway I have just managed to scratch the surface on my decision. I think it is just easier to say that I was not "feeling it" at Cornell and that was why I left. It was a good experience though and I will say that the people were the nicest people I have ever met. We can get together sometime when you are free to discuss it.

Dropping Out

So officially I have dropped out of college. Though on technicality I was never really considered a student here, I still feel like this counts. I can't say I am unhappy about this decision. Cornell was just not the right place for me. I will say though that have to be some of the nicest people in the world. I would especially like to say that Ken and Rocio made me feel at home on campus. Sometimes though you know that something is just completely wrong for you and you have to walk away before you end up too deep. I don't want t o end up like Justinian and invest myself here too heavily only to crash misably

Wow I really sound like a douche citing some random historical fact. I think I need to go repent for that. Back to Paris before Germans roll in and the party is gone forever.

About Places

Iowa is basically one large corn field moving at horsespeed but still maintaining a steady pace with what we know to be progress. It is odd to think about how the largest city in this state still manages to have a population below 200,000. Nearby Cedar Rapids is about 128,000, meaning it is about the size of Ann Arbor. I think I need to get back to Detroit soon. It's just too quiet and slow paced out here for my tastes. I don't really have a problem with Iowa, it just leaves me feeling contained and caged up. I want to run off and go somewhere except that there really isn't anywhere for me to go within the surrounding area. Meh cows, corn, and drama.

So yeah the highlight of campus activities seem to be drinking, causing drama, and class. I just don't feel that excited to be an active participant in this drama. Maybe I can find something else?

About People

I've been in Iowa almost a week now and I have to say it leaves me feeling rather isolated. I think I am still getting over the shock of being so far away from everyone. It is hard not to let your mind wander to all of the things you have left behind though when there is very little to do on a Sunday afternoon that does not involve spending money. I really should go look for a job of some sort before I go too insane.

I guess my suitemates are alright. Taylor and Andrew tend to be rather high energy while Liz and Meredith are like the exact opposite. I really do not see much of Amanda or Jay so I cannot say I know them very well. My roomate Mark is also a bit of an enigma too. He has not said that much to me other than that he has a big family and that his aunt is dying.

I still really miss Ahra. I am still very much in love with her too but I can't say she anything towards me except a close friendship. I talked to Sarah last night about it and she described it as having a death grip on my past which does not allow me to experience new things. I don't think I am exactly like that. I just really hurt when I think about her and sometimes it is hard not to cry when I think of her. I really just want to pick up everything and go running back to her but I do not think that is the best option for me right now.

I just want her to know that I love her and I am still thinking about her no matter how far away she is. I am still waiting for her to send me her mailing address. I have this fun little button I wanted to send her. I just wish I did not feel so confused right now.

Late Night Writing

I started writing a letter to someone and I think I got a little off track. Anyway I think I got down to a bit of what I was trying to say with this:

I think a lot of it comes from seeing what happened when I look at my own culture and heritage. I see that is was only around 70 years ago that some people got this idea that they were going to destroy everyone and everything that was not like them. They were only going to have one way of thinking until everything was homogenized and the same. Anything that was otherwise was corrupted and impure.

For this I desire to contaminate myself with as many things that can be considered foreign and new as possible. I want to be able to look at someone like you and not just think we are equals but I want to feel this passionately. And if it comes down to making a choice, I want to choose humanity above any allegiance to race, creed or country.

Campus Tours Tomorrow

I have to give campus tours tomorrow and I have been taking some time to reflect on what I can do to accustom these new students to the campus. I guess I would like to be able to say that you can really get anywhere from OCC. I want to be able to tell them that OCC is not a place for fuckups, people too poor to afford real college, or a high school that lets you smoke on breaks. But it is.

And it is really all of that. Most of the people I meet with tomorrow are not going to turn their lives around and go onto the Ivy Leagues. Many of them will drop out, fail remedial courses, and give up on a situation they see as a hopeless dead end. And I think this really highlights the failure of the liberal arts education system.

merriam-webster.com defines the liberal arts as:

2 : college or university studies (as language, philosophy, literature, abstract science) intended to provide chiefly general knowledge and to develop general intellectual capacities (as reason and judgment) as opposed to professional or vocational skills.

Of course I doubt that many students in college would see their education in this sort of way. To them, a college education is their ticket to four-years of your parents paying for you to booze and fuck, after which you come out with a piece of paper allowing you to be paid more than your non-college educated peers. This essentially reduces the college education to little more than a pay to play extortion system. $50,000 in tuition dollars and you come out with a certification indicating you have been educated.

So what do I tell these kids? Do I tell them that the MACRAO transfer agreement is not actually followed by the two largest universities in the state? Do I tell them that to most universities, transfers are still treated as second rate in comparision to incoming freshman? I will have to think of something.

Corn Report

Lol Sarah wants me to tweet about how high the corn is. Unfortunately I still do not want to use Twitter or bow to the low of regularly typing with my thumbs.

New Blog

So I got bored and decided to create a new blog. I am not sure what I plan to do with it yet. For all I know this could be my first and last entry. Tell me what you think I should do.